Toilet Humor

Now don't get scared off by the title of this post- keep reading and you'll understand. My day has seemed to revolve around toilets. I haven't been able to keep my two youngest away from them! Not that they have diarrhea or anything, but Jack and Maycie have decided that the toilet is their new favorite plaything. Now I don't want to get ahead of myself, so I'll begin at the beginning. It all started with garbage...

Maycie LOVES to play in the garbage. It's as if her sole purpose each day is to find the garbage cans in every room and empty them all over the floor. Then she plays in the mess until I catch her. Now don't be thinking that I don't pay attention to what my child is getting into, because I do- but that kid can crawl fast! It seems like I blink and she's found another one. I seriously clean up at least a half a dozen over-turned cans daily. Today started out like any other day- Maycie had already gotten into two different cans by noon. I was trying to get my hair and make-up done, and she wouldn't leave the bathroom garbage can alone. Or the bedroom one. Or the closet one (I have cans in every room and closet so my kids and husband don't have any excuse for dumping their trash wherever they feel like). I finally got sick of it and put all those cans up on my bed, hoping she'd then play with the toys that were all over my bedroom floor. It didn't work. I've decided that Maycie doesn't like most toys, so it's pointless to get them for her. Her birthday wish list will consist of her own cell phone, car keys, make-up items, and assorted electronic devices. Sounds like a teenager, huh? If that stuff is too expensive, just get her a sack full of garbage... Anyways, back to the story. When Maycie couldn't get the garbage, she ignored the toys and found a new plaything- the caps that cover the screws that bolt the toilet to the ground. Gross!!!
I tried to distract her, even offering up my own cell phone and watch, but those were no longer good enough. All she wanted were those dang caps, and she was doing whatever she could to get at them. So I did the only thing I could think of. Now I don't want to lose friends over this, but I was on a time frame and I had to have ten minutes to finish getting myself together! So I tied her up.
Yes, I put a belt around her waist and attached an elastic leash. Then I looped it over my bed post so she could still see me in the bathroom, and dumped an assortment of toys in front of her. That worked for about five minutes as the leash was new and interesting, until she tried to get to the toilet. She got stopped about a foot away, and that ticked her off royally. Now Maycie is already learning to throw a fit, and she let loose. She buried her face in the floor and wailed at the top of her lungs. That brought Jack in to see what was the matter. He laughed and said he thought Maycie looked like a puppy and could he have her as his pet. As I was unhooking her, I noticed Jack had something in his hand. I asked to see it but he hid it behind his back and held out the other hand, which contained his blue Bob-the builder pliers. Jack loves tools, and tries to "fix" all sorts of things. I asked him to show me the other hand, so he reluctantly held it out. In his fist was clenched the flusher to a toilet.
I told him to show me where he'd gotten it from, and he pointed to the guest bath. Then he ran to his secret spot behind a chair and produced another one, belonging to the mudroom bath. I had to laugh when he told me that he was just "fixing" them so the toilets would work better. We screwed the flushers back on and had a talk about how toilets wouldn't work without them, and if they got lost, we wouldn't be able to flush the poop. He said then our house would stink, so he agreed to leave them alone. Now if I could just get Maycie to leave the toilet caps alone. Oh, how I wish for the good ole' days when she was content to just play in the garbage... or maybe the days before she learned how to crawl. No, she's so much fun now that I wouldn't go back, and I love to think about what kind of shenanagins she'll get into when she's Jack's age.

Jack Funnies

I know. It's time for a new post. I'm sure you all check my blog at least two or three times a day anticipating the next dose of literary genius, and frankly, I'm sick of seeing my face pop up every time I log on. Melissa even e-mailed me wondering if I had fallen off the planet or something. So Melissa, this one's for you. Thanks for caring.

Now I don't have to think about what to write about, because this one's been giving me giggles every time I think about it for about a week now. Jack. He's a three year old mischief-making master of funny stuff that forms in his brain and spills out of his mouth. I know he doesn't come up with all of it all on his own; I'm sure he gets subtle cues from the rest of his family, including me. Have you ever been in need of a clean shirt for your child to wear, and you're not sure if the one on the floor was actually worn or just fell off the hanger and got kicked aside? Well, what do you do? You smell it. You take a good, long whiff to see if you can detect that unmistakable scent of kid-sweat, or the lingering fragrance of detergent. Anyways, I was getting Jack dressed and we were in a hurry to get out the door. He chose THAT day to decide he didn't want to put on clean underwear. He was wearing his most favorite pair of Spiderman big-boys with the red waist-band, and he didn't want the grey Buzz Lightyears. Or the blue Bob the Builders. Or the Black Scooby-Doos. I argued with him for a minute or two, then I started to get put-out. Finally, he pulled off his Spidermans, thrust them at me, and in a desperate, pleading voice, said "They're clean, mom! Just smell em'! Just smell em'!" I about choked when I looked down at those unders he held just under my nose and realized that his tightees were not so whitee on the inside. Another mark of childhood, the tell-tale skidmark, was plainly evident. Needless to say, I was not about to smell em'. After a bit of bribery (don't judge me, people) I got him into the grey Buzz Lightyears and out of the door. We also had a little talk about how the sniff test is just for shirts.


Within this same week, Jack gave me another good laugh. We were at Barry's having dinner with our cousin Alysha, and Jack would not eat his grilled cheese sandwich that he had insisted so strongly upon. He started begging me for a quarter (rather loudly) so he could get a gumball. I told him No because he hadn't eaten his dinner. He didn't like that answer, and persisted in asking me a half a dozen more times if he could PLEASE have a quarter. I, trying to be a good, responsible mother, told him he could NOT have a quarter unless he ate his dinner. He then stood up on the bench and in his loudest voice asked, "Does anyone here have a quarter?" The guy sitting in the booth behind us about choked on his hamburger laughing, as well as the rest of the restaurant. I'm sure they all would have given that cute little angelic looking boy a quarter, except they'd heard his poor, embarrassed mother tell him No because he hadn't eaten his dinner.


Morale of the stories, if you take your kids out in public, they will embarrass you. Also, buy at least five pairs of their favorite kind of underwear.

Tagged...

Alright, so Alison tagged me. I know you've all been waiting for this moment so you could hear all of my deepest, darkest secrets that should probably remain in the depths of my "closet," but it's really not that great. I mean, I've only killed a man once (my first husband), and it was by accident, so no worries about Zane...
just kidding. Anyways, I've seen two types of tagging, so I'll combine the two.

Ten Years Ago...
I had been married for just a year and a half, and I was expecting my first baby (a girl) in about a month. I was still adjusting to married life, and we were then living on the farm next door to my inlaws. It was a hundred year old cement house with no means of heating or cooling, so because of the cement, in the winter the house acted like an ice box, and in the summer, an oven (like the one at Brick Oven). One of our favorite things to do was to set out mouse traps at night before bed and see if we could stay awake long enough to hear them all snap. Let me just tell you, living in those conditions teaches you to be grateful for what you have, and to appreciate those poor kids who are serving missions in South American countries.

If I were suddenly a billionaire...
The first thing I would do would be to take a trip to Italy. My great grandpa is from there, and I've always had a burning desire to go visit where some of my ancestors are from, especially because I feel my Italian roots more than the others. I'm just like my grandpa Silotti, and besides- the only food I am capable of cooking is Italian. Next I would go to Hawaii. I know there are other tropical places, but I've always wanted to see Pearl Harbor (my grandpa was also a Marine). Then I'd take my entire family- both sides- on a Disney cruise. Upon returning home, I'd buy a Cobalt boat and a Lincoln Navigator to pull it with for myself, and a Ford F250, a couple of 4-wheelers, and a trailer for my husband. Then I'd buy a restored Shelby mustang racecar for Wyatt and a banana colored convertible beetle for Alivia. Jack would get a Gator, and Maycie would get a go-kart. Yes, I know they can't drive yet, but currently, that's what they want. The last thing I'd do is to pay off my mortgage, the mortgages of my family, invest for our retirement, and donate the rest to charity.

Things on my To Do list today...
Well, since I'm writing this, nothing. Just kidding, I should be doing the 10 loads of laundry that are piled in my laundry room, mopping the kitchen floor, and cleaning the bathrooms. But anything that I can do to keep from doing those chores, I'll do (hence this post).

3 Bad Habits...
I collect junk. Oprah would call me a pack-rat. I have a really hard time throwing things away, so my mother has to come to my house a couple of times each year to help me de-clutter. Next, I talk a lot. Sometimes when I should just shut up, and especially when we're watching videos. I love to analyze them, and I rewind a lot. Last (well, not last, but this is just supposed to be three things) I offer up my professional advice whenever I feel it's warranted. As Zane would say, "Just ask Doctor Bri." Maybe I should write an advice column for the Spanish Fork Press.

3 Places I've lived...
San Jose, California and Tucson, Arizona, both when I was little. I grew up mostly in Layton, Utah, and have lived the past 11 1/2 years since I got married in Spanish Fork (and Lake Shore). We'll be here forever. Until I'm 50 and lose what little memory I have to alzehimer's, then Zane will put me in a home and maybe I'll think it's somewhere exotic.

5 Jobs I've had...
I worked at Dairy Queen when I was 16 for a year, then I taught piano lessons until I graduated high school. Next, I worked at Eagle Hardware (now Lowes) for a year, then at Get-Away Today travel agency in Ogden for a year. Last, I worked as a teller for Central Bank here in Spanish Fork for about 2 to 2 1/2 years when I was first married. Since then, I've been a Mom and have loved every minute of it. I know it doesn't ask for it, but I'll also say, someday I want to be a nurse and help deliver babies. I just know that someday I'm supposed to help take care of those brand new moms, because being a mom is the greatest job we could ever have, and I want to help them get a good start.

Last, and most certainly least, 7 more things you didn't already know about me...
1. I love to have my hair done by my kids. It's the most relaxing thing to me, and I'd take an hour of that over a swedish massage anyday (though if I'd ever had one of those I might not say that).
2. I love to water ski. When I'm out skiing, I daydream that I'm on a world champion ski team trying to win first place. But I'm not really that good.
3. My favorite thing to eat for lunch (and sometimes dinner) is macaroni and cheese. I've loved it ever since I was little, so I secretly do a little dance every time my kids want me to make it for them. My favorite thing to eat for dinner is Gnochis. My grandma taught me how to make them. It's an Italian dish of dumplings made out of potatoes, covered in a pork marinara sauce. Delicious!
4. My favorite all-time book is Gone With The Wind, probably because I see a little of myself in Scarlett OHara, and in how she finally grows up. It's a good lesson of only wanting something because you can't have it, and not knowing what you've got until it's gone. I mostly prefer to read young adult literature now, like Harry Potter and Eragon, and I can't read books with no story (like self-help books, though I probably need them).
5. I have a secret crush on Nicholas Cage. Some of my favorite movies are Gone in 60 Seconds and National Treasure. It's okay to say this because Zane has a secret crush on Jessica Alba. He says she will be his second wife in heaven, and I say that's fine as long as she's okay with doing all the laundry and cleaning. I also never really thought Tom Cruise was that cute. Sorry, Katie Holmes, if you're reading this.
6. My favorite candy is sour patch kids. I've loved them since I was little, and though my current likes go in phases, I always come back to them. Surprisingly, I'm not a chocolate lover, though I do like it in small doses. I love both Coca Cola and Pepsi, but if I had to choose, I'd take a Pepsi first, anyday.
7. I have OCD. Though never officially diagnosed, I know I have it. Now I don't have to flip lights on and off a certain number of times or count my steps, but I do have other oddities. I have to eat things like cookies and candy in twos, and I like to count my sour patch kids (and other treats) to make sure there is an even number. I eat flavored things in the same order, from least liked to best liked: red, green, yellow, then orange. Besides food, I have to have my light switches all going the same way, and towels have to be hung just right. I check all locks every night, even those that I know weren't touched, and I line things up in straight piles. I do everything in the same order, every day, including getting dressed, hair, make-up, the routes I drive, etc. The list goes on, but I'll stop here. The only funny thing is I'm not a neat freak. I guess even us nuts have to give a little or we'd eventually crack.

Well, I guess I've stayed true to form- this was a super long post, and I "talked" way too much (see 3 Bad Habits, above). Anyways, hope you enjoyed the insights into my mind, and sorry there weren't more interesting skeletons to air out! So in true tagging form, I'll tag Julie G. next, because I'd love to get to know her a little better!

Random thoughts from my scattered brain

I have several thoughts floating around my head that I feel like documenting tonight. The first being, I CAN'T WAIT FOR BOOKFAIR WEEK TO BE OVER TOMORROW!!! Really, It's been a long week, and I totally planned on posting the day-to-day chaos. But then I read Michelle's post on a hectic week in her life, and I decided to stop my whining. So let me just say this. I've been running the bookfairs twice a year for the past five years, and this one has just about done me in. I know a normal person could pull it off with less stress, but let's face it. I'm not really that normal. Any project which requires multi-tasking is difficult for me, but I've done it because I love the books and I love to get kids excited about reading. I think I'm going to take next year off, though, and let someone else be in charge. I'll still help out the new bookfair person, but I'll focus on a different area in the PTA. Maybe that will re-charge my juices for the following year.

Another thing I'd like to get off my chest is my total dislike of salads. We went out to eat today with the neighborhood ladies and our not-in-school kids at the local Carl's Jr. I watched some of these gals eating their salads that they had ordered, and I thought to myself, "I should be eating one of those, too." But really, I hate salads. Those little mounds of lettuce (or other weed-like greenery) are totally tasteless unless drowned in dressing, and I just can't get excited about eating them. Now hamburgers- those I love. Little patties of pre-cooked meat (I hope) sandwiched between cheese and a bun...delicious. Hey- I even put some salad on my burgers, and I love tomatoes, so I get points for that, right? So why should I feel bad about it? Every time I order a burger over a salad, I know deep down that I'm just being true to myself. And that's what we should be, right? Make sure someone puts that on my headstone when I die of a heart attack someday, okay?

Last, but most certainly not least, the highlight of my week. Now I've mentioned before how much I'm starting to love this blogging thing. One of my favorite things is to read the comments people have about the posts they've read, especially mine. So I was excited when I sat down to my computer a little while ago and pulled up my blog page- there were a few new comments I hadn't read yet. I quickly scanned the first couple, but was surprised by the last. It said from Brianna e., which is me, and I was a bit confused for a second. My cute little 9-year old had gotten on and figured out how to comment (which proves that even kids are way smarter than me about computers) and she left me the sweetest one. Let me just say how much I love that kid. She always seems to know when I could use a little pick-me-up, and that was just the medicine I needed after a hard week. Thanks Liv- I love you!